epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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