If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
