I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
