My friends, they love my intelligence
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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