My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
