Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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