WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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