dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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