I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
