the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
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that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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