I'm so fucking centered right now
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
