We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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