I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
