I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
