On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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