I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
