did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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