Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
