Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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