So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
