If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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