Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
