Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
