my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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