For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
