wakey wakey hands off snakey
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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