my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
