I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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