Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
