i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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