it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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