Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize