hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
