I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So many bounce houses so little time
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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