someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
