He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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