We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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