Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
