you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
