Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
