My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
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I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
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You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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