I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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