You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
