Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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