you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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