Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
