When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
