Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
