she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
