His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
