the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
