I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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