i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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