I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
