Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
