What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
