well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
