you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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