Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
