I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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