It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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